Mummy Guilt

I had heard of 'Mummy Guilt' but until I had my own bubba I never really understood the full extent of it. Mummy Guilt in my opinion is the worse kind of guilt that a woman can feel. It's the kind of guilt that can sit with you for days, weeks, months. It's not something that can be shook off or easily rectified. For me, I seem to have spent most of the past two years feeling it.

 

It all started when Gracie was 4 months old and it was time for me to return back to uni, it was my final year so me and my hubs figured it was best to just power through and get it done, after all it was a means to an end. Only I wasn't just at uni, I was on a 4 month work placement, so in Septermber 2011 I embarked on my final year placement and I relied on childcare to look after Gracie as at the time my husband worked away, my days were so long and I was 'surviving' on about 4 hours sleep, I would get Gracie up at 6.00am ish give her breakfast before dropping her off at childcare and heading to work for 8.30am, I would finish work at 5.00pm (if I was lucky) collect Gracie on the way home and do the bed time routine and then put my laptop on and start working on my assignments, I would finally get to bed in the early hours of the morning before getting up to do it all again. I kept reassuring myself that it was all temporary, that Gracie didn't understand and that she didn't mind that I wasn't there but it never made it easier. 

 

Sleepy Gracie, after her first day at Nursery

After months of assignment writing I finally finished uni, I was so happy / proud and then the hunt for a job started, I wanted a part time job however they seemed impossible to find, after months of searching I was invited to an interview on my birthday of all days but it was full time, by this point we thought this was better than nothing and I was thrilled to learn that I had got the job, the plan was to get my foot in the door, enjoy the two full time wages for a short while and then request to reduce my hours.

 

Me and Gracie on my birthday last year after my job interview.

A month into me having a job, my husband found out he was facing redundancy and then before we knew it we were back down to one wage, we were grateful for my full time status but the household dynamics changed, suddenly my husband was a stay at a home dad and I was bringing home the bacon (so to speak!) My husband has since got a job however it's part time in the evenings and on weekends, therefore I am still working full time. I have just had it agreed at work that I can compress my hours over four days which is great as I get an extra day off with Gracie but Monday - Thursday are so long, by the time I get home I am already counting down to bedtime which is awful as I haven't seen Gracie all day. How can I feel that way? I wonder how long I can keep this up for, but then what other option do I have? I know I need to be grateful for my job and I know that there are lots of other people in similar positions to me but it still doesn't feel any easier. I read lots of wonderful blogs and see all the fun activities and days out that parents do with their kiddies and I feel guilty, guilty that I can't do the same for my baby. Don't get me wrong, her daddy is brilliant and takes her to playgroup, to the park, for walks etc but I want to do it, it might sound sexist / stereotypical and I don't mean it to be but I can't help the way I feel.

 

Maternity Leave <3

 

Thanks for reading xxx

 

 

Working in an office is...

EXPENSIVE!

 

I work in an office and my colleagues are genuinely a lovely bunch of people who I enjoy working with however on Tuesday I returned to work after the bank holiday weekend and my first thought was "Oh I must pay my tea and coffee money" not an unusual thought as I have been paying £1 a week for tea privileges since I started back in July.

 

Part way through the morning the lady who runs 'birthday club' approached me, "we have three birthdays in May" she told me, so I handed over 3 more pounds, while doing so another colleague announced that she was leaving on Friday. It will be sad to see her go however she is off on a new adventure to Sunny Spain! So after paying my tea debt, and my birthday money I sat back down in front of my computer when suddenly "ping" I have a new email so I open it up. Its from another colleague, she has heard about the colleague that is leaving and thinks it would be lovely if we could club together and get her a card and some nice flowers, maybe even go out for goodbye lunch? So back into my purse I go, trying to scramble together the last of my change to put into the 'leaving fund' and also a table has now been booked at the local pub for a nice Carvery lunch.

 

After emptying my purse I then go into the kitchen to make a brew (might aswell get my monies worth) as I open the cupboard to get a mug I see something stuck to the door. I look at it and realise its my manager's sponsor form for a sponsored walk he was doing. I had put my name down but was yet to pay (damn it!) luckily he is on annual leave so that can wait till next week!

 

Finally I sat back down and it dawned on me... working in an office is expensive! we never had this when I worked in the Supermarket or when I was a Support Worker. I looked back on my 10 months and so far and I have contributed towards...

 

8 leaving gifts.

6 birthdays (including a 50th).

2 get well cards / gifts.

2 sponsorships / fundraisers.

1 New baby gift.

10 months worth of tea and coffee.

 

In addition there is also the number of meals I have attended in order to say goodbye to someone or wish someone a happy birthday, not to mention the Christmas meal we had too. Not sure my purse can keep  taking the battering!

 

 

I NEED to know... are all offices like this?! Or is it just mine??

If you work in an office (or in any setting for that matter) do you find you are always paying out for something?

 

Thanks for reading! xx

Stage Fright?

After reading lots of other blogs I finally decided last year that I would give one ago for myself. I loved the idea of having somewhere that was mine where I could write down all the ramblings and general drivel that runs around in my head most days. I also wanted somewhere I could record my babies milestones, keep photos and generally save our families memories. It sounds pretty simple right? Only since starting my blog I've had what can only be described as stage fright perhaps? I've struggled to open up and write what I really want to write, I'm not even sure why to be honest? Part of me has been worried that someone I know may stumble across my blog but then so what if they do?

 

So after thinking about it today I have decided to take the leap and would like to introduce myself properly. My name is Katie, i'm a wifey to a boy called Ben and mummy to a toddler called Gracie. I also have a cheeky dog and a naughty cat.

 

This is Gracie, the girl who stole my heart and gave more meaning to the phrase 'love at first sight' than I could ever imagine. I still can't believe that this little, peaceful newborn is now my all walking, all talking, temper tantrum throwing toddler, everyone told me to cherish the first few weeks / months, I was told time and time again that time flies and you know what I never believed them and now i'm sat here making plans for her second birthday.

 

 

 

 

And this is a photo of our little family, the picture is a few months old now and was taken just before Gracie's first birthday, but I like it :)

 



Phew, that wasn't so bad was it? Thanks for reading and I look forward to posting more! xx



 

Daddy Daycare

So tommorow is the small ones last day at nursery. Seventeen months she has been going, she first started when she was just four months old as at the time I was at university and about to complete my final year placement and my husband was working away. I remember looking around the place when she was eight weeks old and being on the verge of tears as I was talking to the nursery manager, on her actual first day I drove away in tears but now over a year later I can't believe she will actually be leaving!

 

It was a difficult decision however one that I think will benefit us as a family. Last September my husband was made redundant and with it he became a SAHD. I was lucky to get a full time job so we still had a steady income coming in and just before Christmas the hubster got a job that worked perfectly around my shifts and meant he was at home all day everyday so it seemed daft to be paying money out for childcare when my husband was at home.

 

I have been talking to my husband about his plans while i'm at work, I was particularly worried that bubs wouldn't have any social interaction with others her age, however it seems I do not need to worry as there is a playgroup that takes place on a weekly basis in the local village that they will attend, he also spoke about going swimming, going for walks to the park, drawing and panting when indoors and also having the occasional lazy / dvd day. I have to say after working away for the first fifteen months of her life I think my husband is looking forward to the SAHD role, I on the other hand would be a big fat liar if I said I wasn't upset or even a little jealous about the way things have worked out. Never in a million years did I think I would work full time while he stayed at home but I guess you just can't plan for some things...

 

Whats the childcare situation like in your family?

 

Thanks for reading :) x

 

 

Back to blogging...

So I haven't blogged for a few weeks, infact I didn't realise just how long it had been until I looked yesterday! I guess the blogging community can be a little daunting, don't get me wrong everyone I have spoken to has been lovely and I really enjoy reading other people's blogs but I never really realised how much of a techno-phobe I was and feel a tad out of my depth, there is a lot I don't know or understand, simple things really like adding a 'button' to my blog, getting the layout just right, linking up with other blogs etc however I am sure over time I will get the hang of it. I really want my blog to work, not just for others but for myself as I want it to be somewhere I can store memories and look back on months / years to come.

 

So what have I been upto while away from the computer? Well I think the biggest and probably the most obvious  thing is Christmas - It was such a wonderful time, not only the build up but also the day itself. On Christmas Eve we had our 'cosy box' this is something that I started doing once we had our daughter and would love for it to become a family tradition. Basically the box is filled with treats and also 'essentials' in order for us to prepare for Santa's arrival and includes such things as a plate and mug, carrots, mince pies, reindeer food, magic santa key, plus lots more!

 

 

Then came the new year, my husband and I went to a friends house where they had a BBQ, sounds like complete madness but it was actually a lovely night, rounded off by sending lanterns up into the sky. So far in 2013 my little family has begun a financial overall, we are trying to live the life of thrift and go by the moto of do we need this or do we want it? So far we seem to be managing and have made signifanct cutbacks and savings but I won't bore you with that just now... Also it was our second wedding anniversary, I have to say that 2 years seems to have flown by! and then more recently we have had the snow dayyyys! Our little troublemaker absolutley loved the snow and every morning checked the window and would then say 'coat, boots, walk'

 

I think that pretty much brings us up to speed, so for now I will leave you with our little Snowman Stan :)

 

 

You don't buy a nice home... You make one!

In 2007 my then boyfriend (now husband) decided to buy our first home, we were both young and to be honest its scary how easy it was to do, this was just before the credit crunch and we literally just walked into the mortgage office off the street with no deposit, no savings and relatively low wages and we were handed a large sum of money!

 

Anyway we always thought our first home would be exactly that and that it was a step onto the property ladder, wow how wrong were we?! What with the recession, house prices going down, no one lending any money I would say we are no better off now than if we were first time buyers.

 

So the actual point of this post? Well this house was always meant to be for just us two and to be honest its a lovely little house for a young couple (hence why we bought it) but we're not just a young couple any more, we are married, we are parents, we are a family. I keep talking about how I would like a new house, a bigger one, a family one, a nicer one when actually it dawned on me... you don't buy a nice home, you make one!

 

So yes, I would like a bigger house, I do feel we have outgrown this one as a family, but the fact of the matter is that it will not and can not happen in the forseeable future so rather than moan about it I decided to be grateful for what I do have and to start turning this house into a home! Starting with a list of each room and what actually needs doing in it - My husband and I are very good at starting jobs and then never finishing them so the house often looks like a scene from DIY SOS and probably doesn't help to the cluttered feeling that lurks in every room.

 

We have started with our bedroom, which since the 'spare/junk' room became the babies room as become a dumping ground! This room in a word is horrible, it's where things get hidden in order to make the rest of the house look tidy! well not anymore! Today my hubs stripped the walls and at the weekend we will be sugar soaping and painting them. We will then get measured up for a new carpet - once all that is done we will look at new furniture - our old wardrobes broke so we currently have our clothes hung on a rail :( I'm hoping to introduce a shabby chic type feel to the room. With regards to the clutter once we have proper wardrobes again we will be able to find everything a place or alternatively sell, bin or put in the loft!

 

So thats the plan so far, I figured we are better off tackling one room at a time and not worrying about the others just yet as it would just be far too overwhelming not to mention costly!

 

Now off to look at colour charts / bedding / furniture etc :)

 

Thanks for reading xxx

 

What exactly is work life balance?!

I have been thinking about the term 'Work Life Balance' alot recently. I'm not 100% sure I really know what it means, therefore I'm pretty certain I won't be achieving it :-/

 

When I first discovered I was pregnant wayyyy back in August 2010 - I was just about to embark on my second year placement as part of my three year degree - I completed the placement and the rest of the year with no problem, infact some might say my timing was impeccable as baby arrived just in time for the summer holidays. My husband and I discussed at great length what I would do regarding my third and final year - should I defer the first module? should I defer the whole year? and eventually we both decided the best option for us would be to carry on and power through, as it was my final year and basically a means to an end, if I didn't do it then I would have to do it eventually as dropping out wasn't an option. So when bubs was just four months old I left her in nursery while I completed my final year. It was a hard few months, talk about burning the candle at both ends, if I wasn't commuting or at work or uni, I was at home on my computer writing assignments, putting together presentations, while also attempting to be a mummy and bathe my bubs, feed her, read her a bed time story... If I was lucky I used to get four hours sleep a night too!

 

One thing I kept telling myself was this is all just temporary and once I had finished my degree and was qualified things would be different. The plan was to get a nice part time job, maybe 18.5 hours a week or something? Well after LOTS of applications and a few interviews I finally got a job, however it was 37 hours a week! (Turns out this was a blessing as 2 months after I started my hubs was made redundant)

 

So I guess what I am trying to figure out at the moment is how do I get the work - mummy balance right? I come home from work just in time to have tea with bubs and put her to bed. I live for the weekends and we try to do something family orientated - but is it enough?

 

I am 'lucky' as I am able to work from home 1 day a week but then it is difficult to work / concentrate with an 18 month old bounding round the house wanting her mummy, and I am constantly having to explain to her that mummy is busy and working. She's not interested in that, she wants to play and draw on all my important papers, and hit and press every button on the laptop - she cries when I say no and ask her daddy to take her away. Is the working from home option really worth it? Do I want my daughter's memories to be of her mummy sat at the table with no time to play?

 

I'm not sure there really is an answer to this its just something my family and I need to work on and hopefully we will figure it out together (I hope) xxx